Caution! Entry(s) may be desturbing to some viewers.

Yesterday afternoon I got home from outdoor school where I was a counselor. I had 6 girls in my cabin and they were all awesome. I almost cried when they left since I didnt get to give them a hug goodbye.  It was definetly a life changing experience. I hope that Ill go back sometime.  I just thought I would update for everyone. Hope you all are doing okay.

 

 

Sarah

Last night was pretty bad this time. I started having pain around 10pm and finally brought it to my moms attention around 11.  I was writhing in pain for over an hour, the longest time so far.  Eventually I started to feel better and went to the bathroom to find out that im in the process of passing another stone.  After about 12:30 in the morning the abdomin pain set in and lasted until a little after 2 in the morning.  Finally I was able to get some sleep.  I stayed home from school today because the aftermath of a night like I just had feels like you just had surgery. Everything hurts, aches and I just feel like shit.  My mom said shes going to call my doctor today and demand a CT scan. So far, thats all I know. 

 Last night I had the most intense pain in my abdoman that I was squirming around in pain. The whole thing lasted for about an hour.  My urine has been cloudy for a few days now so Im wondering if its a UTI.  I need to talk to my doctor about it asap.  Ive had that abdo pain a few times but now when I get it the pain shoots all the way up my sides and into my chest. Its horrible.

                  Slowly my health has been getting worse, especially over the past few weeks. Its not like coming down with a cold all the time either. Its more of intense fatigue, and serious loss of energy. Sometimes im so wipped out that all I can do is sleep. I dont eat, I dont go out, all I do is go to school and work when I can force my body to get up.  Lately though ive been going days without food and no matter what I eat (when I do) I feel as though im going to throw up my stomch.  Im trying to take vitamins, suppliments, anything. Unfortunetly nothing is working, and things are only seeming to get worse.

 

                 About a week ago a doctor found a lump on the side of my neck.  The chances that is malignant is about 4/5. I have to go back in about 3 weeks to get it checked again.  Another strange thing is that im losing weight. I never lose weight. Even when I try, and now all of a sudden its just falling off my body.  I have no appitite, I sleep horribly, and I feel like maybe this is due to the lump that was found.  I've been feeling very light headed a lot too. All of this stuff makes no sense and it seems that no matter what I do to "improve" things, my health just keeps deteriorating.  It's scary. 

 

                 I feel like my life is being sucked out of my body and theres nothing I can do.  Chances are now that since all of this started happening and then I found the lump, things are not good.  More and more, day after day, it seems to be pin-pointed to the lump as the cause.  Seeing this for a while now ive relized that these are all very strange to have, especially the lump and its more concerning than ever that the lump is Cancer.  I have an appointment with another doctor on May 22nd but if things continue this way im going to have to stop in to see her before the 22nd. 

 

                 Im praying that this is all going to be nothing, but deep down I feel like there is really something wrong this time.   It's scary knowing that your liable for a cancer that has a low survival rate.  I just have this awful feeling that something isnt right. 

 

 

As for now I must say goodbye.

 

 Sarah

 

 These past weeks have been nothing but struggle and frustration for the most part. I recently decided that if I feel like having a drink, Im going to have one, and it has'nt been out of control even once.  I've been spending a lot of time with my boyfriend, spending nights together, going out to eat, shop, see movies and stuff. It's nice because it feels like the two of us again, just the two of us in the world. 

 

Then the school term started and everything fucking ran into a wall to say the least. I was denied web classes and was put on academic probation, for what reason i still have no idea. ( ive been on the deans list almost every term ive been taking classes there)  Then the fucking people who work with my scholorship and stuff tried to fuck me over in more ways than one. Amoung all of that they dont forget to take time to insult me to my face. Why? I have no idea. I have still yet to speak to their supervisor.  I will eventually.  So finally school is working right now, im still able to spend time with Sean and keep my sanity. As I said before though, I now have a job again and believe they plan on taking me on full time, which is great, but that was back when I was only taking online courses, or at least thought i would be. So now im not even sure if i have enough free time to work a full 35+ hours a week. 

 

We'll see i guess.

 

I had been avoiding posting on here again, im not too sure why.  I figured I at least owed you guys an update. 

 

Sarah

        So the past few days have been somewhat of a disapointment.  Someone in my life has tried to place many "boundries" and "rules" for me which I think are unneeded and somewhat offensive, especially since im an adult now. Yesterday I was essentially home bound since I didnt get to really leave the house, nor did I recieve the offer to do so. I changed this page because I feel that it's representing my emotions on the inside.  They're beautiful but dark at the same time.

 

       Anyhow...today, all I want to do is go back to sleep and I very well might do so.  My best is working until 6pm when technically shes still on medical leave until next monday. My better half goes to work at 2 and wont get off until 10pm. So chances are today will be another day in solitude. It's fucked when you think about the situation as your bests are too busy for you today, whether or not its completely true or not, my mind tends to drift towards the stretched true, even if it's somewhat painful.

                 Today has been a long day. I had to run all the way to the bus cause i had a meeting i was late for. I got there 20 minutes late. Then after that my friend jessica and i had to run around to get party decorations because were hosting a party on saterday night. After that i finally got home at about 3pm and since then i have been working on the music selection for the party. Downloading, transferring files, itunes, uploading cds, burning new ones and adding all the song to my ipod. So every cd we want to use, we have to make a copy of it since they might get stolen. So yeah its almost 2am and ive only created 6 cds, but ive uploaded 160 onto my ipod and have downloaded about 50 songs so far.

 

          Tomarrow i have my work training from 1-6pm and then after that im probably going back to work on the computer again for several hours late into the night.  I hope this party turns out great, its for a friend that is moving away. Its hawaiian themed, BBQ and dancing, stuff like that. 7:30pm until probably 1am.

 

Its gooood.

                   Today was pretty sweet. I went to a meeting with my best friend, whom i have not seen in over a week due to being sick. We went shopping afterwards and as soon as i got home i had to get ready for my interview today. So the interview went well and at the end i asked when we would be notified if we got the job or not. He looked at me kinda strangly like i just said i wanted to give him a blow job or something haha . 

 

            After a minute or two of silence he said " well...didnt i tell you already?" i told him i didnt know what he was talking about and he was like " oh well you got the job DUH!" haha sweeet so now im a marketing agent for vector marketing company. pretty sweet. i should be getting $13 per 45 minutes because we make appointments with interested clients which last about 45 minutes long. So pretty much $13 per appointment. So yeah today was good, and it feels great to not only have a job again but to have a really good one at that.

 

Sarah

                Yep pretty boring over here. Waking up earlier than fuck. Probably going to sit around and do nothing since my best friend is sick but I think we might go to a noon aa meeting if she's up to it. Then I have endless unfilled hours. The good thing though is that today at 6pm I have a job interview. It pays $15.25 an hour plus sales. So if I got the job that would bring in a ton of money for me.  After the interview im probably going to a big whopping NOTHING for the rest of the night unless my mom wants to go out for dinner or something. 

 

Yeah.... Too much fun today!

So yeah, i've been really sick with pneumonia for over a week now, as i mentioned before. Today I ran out of cigarettes so I had to return pop cans to get enough money to get some. So my mom drops me off, i get my money, i buy my smokes. Things are going good until i go out to the parking lot of the grocery store to find that my mom had left me there to walk all the way home.

 

          Mind you its about 40 degrees out, raining, and it was getting dark. So after about 30 minutes of walking it got to the point where i could barly breath. I was coughing so hard that i ended up vomiting several times on my way up this massive hill that i live on. I barly make it up the doorway where i collapes and couldnt breath. Yeah...Sounds like a great idea mom.     Im NEVER doing that again when im sick. It's fucked.

So I noticed that I haven't updated on here in a long time so here goes nothing. February started off with a bang. It was discovered that a friend of mine decided to take her own life. Her daughter, who is my age, found the remains of her body after the use of a firearm to the head. I attended her viewing and funeral. Yes, they had a viewing, but only because they were able to somewhat make her presentible.

               

                  A week later my great grandma died. I was not able to attend any of the memorial servies due to her being in another state. Sometime in the following week I broke my finger at work and had to go to the ER. At the same time I found out that my AA sponsor and my best friend had relapsed on drugs after one year of continuous sobriety. I should have known since she was going to the ER so many times and always leaving with a narcotic prescription. She now has less than a month clean.

 

                   On march 16th I celebrated 10 months clean and sober. I myself go very sick only 2 weeks later and was hospitalized on March 8th. For those of you who know, march 8th was my 18th birthday. Sucks I know, but just wait, it gets worse. After coming home I recieved a phone call from my employer stating that I was no longer needed to work. Fired. Sucks. All of this on my birthday mind you. On march 10th we celebrated my sisters 13th birthday with the family members, which seemed as though they had all forgotten that it was a joint family birthday, because they seemed to forget I was even in the room.

 

                   That night in rebellion, I got my tounge piered. Only days later I become very sick with pneumonia and was getting to the point of coughing up blood. It was very scary. Since then I have found out that I will not be gradutating with my class this year. Another bummer.

 

                     Today I sit with all of these situations on my head and all that i've learned was that shit happens. Does'nt matter who you are, or even if its your birthday. It does'nt care. Now it's seven in the morning and I could'nt sleep because of my brain refusing to relax. Since this month of trials and tribulations things have melloed out quite a bit which now leaves me bored with the only thing to do is think. Hence the reason I am writing this post.

 

Sarah

Well im just gunna put a list of things that have been going on in the past few weeks.

 

-Hanging out with friends/boyfriend

-Living with my boyfriend

-Movie nights

-Boyfriend got a new motorcycle

-Got a kitten a while ago, might not have mentioned it

-Starts school on the 25th of september

-No longer have an AA sponsor, but im still clean

-Turning 18 in about 5 months <3

-My calcium, vitamin D, Iron, and some other stuff is really low, the doctors want me to take suppliments.  HA no way.

-Classified with an ED, PTSD, Bi-polar, BDD, Major depressive and anxiety disorder, and borderline personality disorder

-Stopped going to therapy.

- My godson Christian Sebastian Cantrell was born on 9/8/06.  Hes so fucking awesome. I cant wait to see him again.

 

That about sums up the past few weeks, along with some things that im looking forward to.

 

I hope everyone is doing well!

So i went back and looked at some of my old blogs..i cant believe i used to be like that, i mean i remember it and everything and sometimes i wish i could go back to that depressed, secure in my depression, type self, but i cant.  No matter how hard i try sometimes, it never seems like i could go back to that.  Something is strange though, i mean, im depressed now and i have a lot of shit going on, but my depression, ever since the medication, doesnt protect me from those things that hurt me.  I wish i could just crawl back inside my ball of depression and be alone with myself and my mind.  Its my worst enemy and my best friend.  I dont know that this blog was supposed to prove or show but i just felt like blabbering.  Do you guys ever feel like you want to go back to your old depression, the kind that cradled you from the world and at the same time protected you from nothing at all? I do everyday .  Unfortunetly, theres no turning back from here.  I only hope that something changes, cause i cant do this anymore.

Well ive gotta start getting ready for my dance show in a few hours....then gotta get on the MAX and head downtown...fun stuff...oh yeah....but im so fucking stressed out...just about all this stuff....some of it, doesnt even make since....idk....ugh...

Really stressed out...